A Guide To Writer's Block

It is now just between you and the computer. You start the computer, bouncing impatiently as your favorite word processor come up. You think to yourself, "This is it! This is the one!" Eager, your hands reach for the keys, and the idea flees from your head. Now you are stuck with an active computer, twitching hands, and a flaccid imagination. What do you do?

Fidgit, of course! You pop your knuckles, stretch your back, and start over. After five minutes, the page is still empty, and you are sweating with the effort.

"Ok", you say to yourself while you try to relax, "I just need a distraction." So you check your e-mail, and smoke a cigarette. Get lost for two, three hours. Look at the clock. Realize that you have been putzing around for two or three hours, and vehemently berate yourself. Be creative, and use several languages, including words you make up as you go along. Go back to the word processor and start again. Try not to wait so long before giving up this time.

Look at the clock, and decide to "Research your idea" by searching the web for anything that might give your clogged mind a boost. "Are you done yet?" your wife will call from the living room. "Soon!" you answer. You both know that is a lie. Open another pack of cigarettes (You polished off the last pack while you were checking your e-mail, and didn't notice). Turn on the instant messenger program, "For inspiration". Continue to lie to yourself while you catch up on the latest "Who is sleeping with whom", and "Man I'd like to sleep with her" gossip with your friends on the chat rooms. By this time, your wife has given up waiting, again, and has gone to bed. Soon, you'll lose time to sleep, and you think about that as you continue to chat.

Look at the clock.

Panic.

Log off the chat sites, and stare at the blank word processor screen until your eyes burn and you get a headache. Try to convince yourself that the headache is god's punishment for forgetting the idea in the first place. Get snacks ("Brain food", you tell yourself, even though it is a bag of fattening chips you will get heartburn from later on), and sit on the couch in the living room. Watch TV, listen to the radio, eat, and read something totally unrelated to what you need to write all at the same time. Smoke another cigarette, and swear to quit, again, as you suffer through a fit of coughing. Your headache will re-assert itself because you coughed so hard. Hide the cigarettes under the couch. Throw the lighter away. Realize that it was your wife's lighter, and fish it out of the trashcan. You'll then decide that the coughing fit has "Woken me up", and go back to the computer. Check e-mail again, read unrelated websites, chat with an old girlfriend ("Why did we break up?" you ask. "Because you are an asshole when you can't write", she'll answer), and write unrelated prose for another few hours. Take another look at the clock, realize you have wasted most of the night, and yawn. Decide to take a shower.

While in the shower, write your entire paper. Only, tell it to yourself, and after realizing what you have done, rush to the computer.

Rush back to the bathroom, and grab a towel. You'll curse and shiver from the air-conditioning while on your way back the computer. Sit at the computer, and try not to drip on the keyboard as you type out the first half of what you remember from the shower. Think for the barest of moments about saving your work, so that you will not have to recreate what you have written in case the computer crashes. Go to save your work, and forget the rest of the paper. Cuss at yourself again; remember to use words you didn't use before. Titles like "Dipshit" and "Silly, stupid shmuck" work well. Reach for another cigarette, and remember that you hid them from yourself. Never mind that you cannot remember where you hid the cigarettes, just get another pack from the freezer. Fume. Cuss. Throw stuffed animals in a childish fit of anger. None of that will help, but you will feel better anyway.

Finally, admit defeat, and crawl into bed. With luck, you can still catch a few hours of sleep. Promise yourself that you will finish the paper later, before class. Roll over and fall asleep.

-Ruefio