Miss Masturbation 2001 by Goddess6000
I don't remember any exact age that actually sticks in my mind when it came to exploring myself sexually. But i do have a flood of memories that i feel represent the time period in which my love of masturbation finds its origin. One of these early experiences is just a flash in the back of my mind in which i am sitting in the living room in front of the TV in a big reclining chair during the summer and I think this may have been the summer before i started Kindergarten. I don't remember any pleasure, or action that i may have been doing, but i must have been playing with my little hairless pussy between my legs with my hand down the front of my pants because i remember my mother coming out of her bedroom with a basket of laundry and stopping in front of the chair and asking me what i was doing in a high pitched, kind of upset way that made me feel like i was in trouble. I told her that i didn't know and she said "why are you doing that?" I answered, "because, it feels good." She replied, "well stop that! Its not nice to do that. Its dirty and god doesn't like it when you do that!" I remember feeling ashamed and probably cried, being the emotional child that i was, which carried over to many other memories which has made the journey so intriguing to the point that i am at today.
I never was allowed to run around naked, like the children i have observed at public pools and beaches with their parents looking on. Its bothers me to see that and maybe that is because i was raised to believe it isn't nice to show yourself. I was also raised during that whole "Stranger Danger" time period which i feel was a good idea, in and by itself. But nakedness was in my mind connected to sex--which was bad--but not if you were married, and for nothing else but to make babies. That was the message that i had to head the feelings of shame and guilt that were to follow in my pre-adolescent and early teen years.
Modesty? shyness
I was a very modest young girl and avoided, at all cost, changing in front of anyone, even my own mother. Her and my grandmother and aunt always questioned my excessive modesty, although it seemed normal to me. Going naked for any other reason except for taking a bath, was out of the question. To this day i am shy about undressing even in front of my loving fianc˙e, although he has helped me to move past my insecurities. This, however, had certainly been amplified by my increasing weight as i moved towards adolescence. In the locker room of my Junior high, as other girls were stripping down to training bras and panties, while still others wore no bra and were more than happy to show off what was "developing", I was in the privacy of the toilet stalls of the bathroom trying to change into my gym clothes. Half the reason was that i was heavier than the other girls and i was embarrassed, the other half was, as i told my mother, that i was CONVINCED my-married-and-mother-of-2-gym teacher was definitely a butch lesbian and she just got the job so she could look at me and the other girls and think about us later when she was having sex, (with her husband!! LOL!!)
Early recollections of becoming aroused
I watched a lot of TV growing up. My mother was a housewife caring for 4 very young children of which i was the oldest. My father was always working to support his large brood and many times i was free to watch whatever i wanted, unsupervised. Now at this time cable was a luxury and we couldn't afford it. But also at that time, with my vivid imagination it didn't take much for my mind to expand upon. I would be home during the day if it was summer or if i was home sick from school and the only thing that was on if you didn't have Nickelodeon and the Disney channel were daytime dramas...soap operas. One day i was sitting on the couch watching a soap and the man and woman were passionately kissing and were in bed with no clothes on but a sheet covering. My mind started to wander as i imagined what it might feel like to have a man to kiss and also what his penis might look like under those satin sheets. I started to feel a pulsing in my privates and it felt like i had another heart between my legs. I just remember squeezing my thighs together until the throbbing subsided . Later, as i got older and started becoming fully aware of the fact i was easily visually stimulated, as many of us are, i would be watching a movie with my sisters and if it had a sex scene in it i would log it into my memory and later when no one was home i would find that part in the movie and play it over and over while rubbing my clit furiously until i climaxed at which point a wave of shame swept over me and i shut it off feeling weak with post-orgasmic buzz that i learned how to savor in later years. One of my favorites at the time was the scene in Back draft when Jennifer Jason Leigh and one of the Baldwins have sex at a fireman party on top of one of the fire trucks. She was straddling his cock and riding it as she moaned with pleasure. This was a scene i replayed a hundred times in my head as i swirled my finger rhythmically in my throbbing pussy pressing my pounding clit until i attained the rush that was like the fastest and best sleeping pill in the world!!
I must have been around 10 or so... an extremely rough estimate since i cant remember a time when i didn't think about something of that nature.
It was in elementary school when my mother asked me if i masturbated. It started oddly enough with a male gym teacher whom i had a serious 4th grade crush on. He was the most handsome man i had ever laid eyes on. Red hair, green eyes, handsome smile and best of all he was so nice to me (exactly like he was to all the girls, boys, staff, parents...LOL). So of course he HAD to be attracted to me. This fantasy of My teacher had main focus on what his penis looked like and felt like and secondly with visions of him "having sex" with me which would have only evolved touching my non-existent "boobies" and rubbing my "privates" the way i had only done to myself while thinking about him. Looking back while writing this , those were pretty advanced thoughts for a 4th grader!! My parents bought us a tape recorder and we went around recording everything from the TV to each other getting in trouble and being scolded for it. I don't know how or why i came up with the idea but i remember taking the tape recorder in my room one day and recording myself speaking out my fantasy of my gym teacher as i masturbated. I had wanted to hear myself masturbate. I was telling how i wanted to touch his penis and how he would be touching me...describing in full detail how each would feel to him and me and as i spoke i started rubbing my clit and telling the recording what i was doing like"oohh, im touching myself right now, and it feels so good! Uh, uuuhh, oohhh,mmmfels ssooooo ssooo good....touch me more..let me touch your big penis.." all the while breathing heavily and speaking almost in a whisper, close to the hand held little microphone almost dropping it as the impending climax approached. Listening to the tape after recording it was highly arousing for me and i rubbed my throbbing clit only for a few seconds before orgasming to the sound of my own climax only 5 or 10 minutes before. MMmmmm...time to take a break, :-) ..
Starting age
I must have been about 3 or 4 as young as that sounds. I got the earliest and perhaps the most unhealthy starting point at such a critical and impressionable age but i couldn't help feeling my parts and when i did i couldn't believe the sensations they generated!
I can only guess that which ever time was the first "SUCCESSFUL" session it must have started something like this: feeling a pulsing sensation in my "privates" while possibly watching TV or more likely from if i was squatting a certain way or straddling a chair arm. From that point i probably pressed on the semi-mushy mound of flesh between my legs through my underwear and pants i was wearing. which felt really, really good when i did that so i most likely kept it up, rubbing and pressing in small circles my sweet, tingling pussy when creeping up on me was a kind of buzzing feeling growing in the pit of my stomach behind and above my swirling fingers. Then this light heady feeling came over me and i held my breath while a million shards of white hot pleasure were released from the center of contact where my fingers met the sweet pounding of my little purple, engorged clit and so perfectly spread to every part of my trembling body
Anything i could get my hands on served as mental fuel for masturbation. At my age and having very religious parents who wouldn't be caught dead with so much as a lingerie catalog lying around i had to really use my head and improvise, and that meant calling on my talents as a developing artist. I would search through the Sears catalogs my mother got in the mail for pictures of women modeling bras with their soft, hanging, full, breasts filling the cups of flesh colored materials. I would try hard to see their nipples. My favorites, though, were the men modeling the jockey briefs or second skin thermal underwear which both clung to their bulging penises and even though i had never seen one in the flesh, i would fantasize about them pulling them down for me upon request, so i could touch and stare. This would be done while in the bathroom in the basement where its was small enough for me to sit on the floor and rub my aching pussy lips and begging clit as i pushed my back against the tub and my feet against the wall making for some leverage which i used to put pressure on the base of my pussy, above my ass. This made for spine melting pleasure from which i needed an hours of recovery so i took a "nap" in my room which was right next to the bathroom.
Did anyone teach you that certain parts of your body needed to be kept from the eyes of all others? Did this take the form of a discussion or just by example? Were these parts of your body considered naughty or dirty or just private?
My mother and both grandmothers would tell us that we had to be modest and not to let anyone see you privates even if they asked to see it. That wasn't too big of a problem for me since i was shy and OVERLY modest. I remember one time they had a special on TV they my parents made us watch about saying no to strangers and the message from the special was that no one was allowed to touch you but you. I remember the woman on TV saying its okay for you to touch yourself but not for someone else to touch you and to just say no! My mother immediate the followed that final thought after it ended with " well i know she said its okay to touch yourselves but we know that God doesn't like that right? So that's something you really shouldn't do, those parts are only for mommies and daddies." I felt guilty right at that moment because i knew that at night i was playing with myself and that i liked it too much to stop. I started feeling that God must think im a bad girl if he sees me doing that. it was an awful, anxiety filled feeling.
I once went over my friend's house in kindergarten when i was 5. We where in her room and all of a sudden she pulled up her shirt and showed me her bare chest. Then she pulled down her pants and show me her pussy. Then she laughed and pulled he pants up and put down her shirt because her mom was coming up the stairs. I had never asked to see her "things" because it never occurred to me that her parents hadn't taught her that wasn't nice. I was shocked and i felt like I was bad for looking. I will always remember that..i don't know why. When i was about 6 or 7 the girl who lives next door that is now been one of my best friends for 15 years, came over to play barbies. I don't know how we ended up hiding behind the car but i can vaguely recall us agreeing that we wanted to kiss each other with tongues on the mouth. So we did and i call still remember that he mouth and tongues felt so soft and slippery and squishy..it was neat. But i felt guilty and then my mom called out my name from the house. We stopped and even though i remember it quite clearly and wonder if she does too, to this day i have never mentioned it for fear of awkwardness. Later on, she brought over one of her fathers pornographic puzzle of this naked woman...we had all been raised in the same way and happened to all have a strong effect on her so when we expressed our beliefs to her and said god doesn't like that, and that was very bad, she cried and actually destroyed the puzzle, worried if she didn't she would lose our friendship or displease our family. Looking back i cant believe how far i have come in the way i view things.
I can fondly look back at the times in my adolescence when i was so into exploring myself. I would really rub my clit good and quick to produce that awesome feeling that i was in love with. It was so new to me and even though it was forbidden as far as my family and god was concerned i just could not stop! It felt ssooooo good!! You know? I have tried to think back and pinpoint a time were i discovered it. I just cant. I almost feel like i was ALWAYS aware of the pleasure i could give myself and the parts i had to rub. Even book, religious ones, that discouraged the practice, turned me on with their definitive terminology and blunt descriptions. Yum! I had to keep it a big huge secret and NO ONE could EVER find out or i would just die. And soliying and denying was my way to keep my reputation unblemished. But i don't think there is enough words to express how grateful i was and presently am, for that sweet, deep pleasure that is always there for me to indulge in!
BREASTS
Touching my breasts never did anything for me. But it wasn't until the touch came from someone else did i really know what a powerful addition to my solo-sex it actually was. I was fooling around with this guy and he slid his hand up my shirt. He began fondling my breasts and massaging them with his large hands. Then his fingertips found my hard nipples and he began squeezing and twisting them between his fingers. I melted instantly. Then he pulled down my bra and lowered his mouth to my nipples. He kissed my breast and then took a nipple into his warm, wet mouth and began to suck hard and swirl his tongue on it and then sucked some more making wet sounds while his cock grew hard as stone in his shorts. I was flying at this point and my spine had turned to jelly as i because so incredibly wet i started to rub my pussy through my jeans. I was never the same after that. I had excellent sessions masturbating to that night all week.
Once i learned that having someone touch my breasts made me feel really good i tried to duplicate that feeling but i was never able to so i just keep fervently pursuing any opportunity to masturbate. I would go into the basement bathroom because i didn't have my own room yet or sometimes i would even be so bold as to sit in front of the TV with my back to the world and slip my hand up the leg of my shorts and quickly rub my clit until i shuddered with orgasm. Doing this without being noticed was risky at times. I was even able to masturbate when someone was sitting behind me on the couch or almost parallel to me in the chair. I sometimes found i had my best orgasm while in that cross-legged, sitting position. Something about the slight pressure at the bottom of my pussy. It just gave it something more. I was getting so skilled that i felt confident enough to attempt my sinful act at bedtime when sleeping in my twin bed which was 2 or 3 feet parallel to my sisters bed. I would wait until i heard her breathing fall into that rhythmic pattern that indicates sleep, then i would go to town, rubbing and stroking. Thinking about big cocks and pussies coming together with hot, sweaty passion. Moaning and thrusting. Rubbing and rubbing until i was right at the top of the mountain...then like a roller coaster i came with such force, making my body quake with pleasure. I don't even know how i didn't make a sound. I am glad i had a solid bed or for sure my sister would have heard the tell tale rhythmic creaking and rustling of the sheets as i got myself off.
Guilt
I believed what i was doing was bad. I felt extremely guilty when i started to dwell on it. It got me depressed and i would try to imagine my parents discovering me. What would i ever do? Would they be ashamed of me? Would they not love me anymore? They would probably think im a sick pervert and tell everybody like all of the family and then everyone would know i am bad. I had bible based books that the organization had published then covered many different subjects and i would go through them and search for advice on how to control my wrong urges to touch myself. I was in search of advice to stop masturbating because i wanted to make myself good and not dirty. I would read them and they made me feel so bad because they made it seem like it was one of the worst sins you could ever be doing. Whenever masturbation was discussed in those books, along with it was discussed adultery and fornication, as well as homosexuality. I felt at this point like a freak of nature. as far as my morals were concerned.
My mother talked to me about sex and the how's and why's after i had already discovered masturbation. It was all i needed at that point. I stored almost every detail in my head for later fun. I could picture the man sliding his big penis into the vagina of the woman and it felt really good to her. He would begin to move it in and out at a nice even rhythm. I had an almost voyeuristic vision in my head of the whole scenario.. it was so erotic! Then when they were both moaning and sweaty, he would squirt his semen into her vagina and she would simultaneously orgasm at that very same moment. Yummy! So even though she didn't know it,she was ahinderance to the whole control -the-urges plan.But I was ashamed of myself that i couldn't seem to control myself! what was wrong with me???
My OWN Room
Once i got my own room i really got to have the freedom to get myself off whenever i pleased. and i "pleased" all the time! I would come home from school and after having a snack and talking to my mom about my day i would act tired and fake a yawn so it wouldn't look so suspicious when i was suddenly went to my room for an hour or three. I'd lock my door and take off my pants, leaving my shirt and underwear on. This was so that if i had to answer a knock at the door i could slip on my pants and look as if i was taking a nap..fully clothed...Paranoid? Maybe. Then i would star rubbing right away because at this point i was super horny from the entire day's pent up energy. It was around this time that i started to fantasize about woman. I would visualize two naked women together in bed and their pussy pressed together making their clits rub together, sliding and rubbing together while their breasts were pressed together and they were moaning and sweaty. This is a fantasy that i have elaborated on and still use to this day. In fact writing about it has made my pussy wet and my clit is now throbbing...i'll be back in 10 minutes!!
Rushing
I only felt the need to rush though some of the times when i masturbated if it was during the day: In the bathroom, in front of the TV or just in my room if i just HAD TO get off. I didn't want anyone to become suspicious. I never was caught actually doing it.
I prefered reaching into my panties to masturbate because it seemed to me that my snug cotton panties held and supported my hand to my pussy so that ( and i know how technical this will sound but its logical, LOL) I could relax my arm muscles and use my hand muscles to concentrate my fingers rubbing in small circles on my clit. It was a comfort thing..not a naked/unnaked thing. Get it?
Frequency
I really must admit i masturbated A LOT when i was a young girl. Its felt soooo good. I did it everyday. Sometimes up to 4 times a day but usually more than once. I did it after school, before i went to bed religiously! My orgasm was a tranquilizer that knocked me out at the end of the day. I did it when ever i felt horny and never even hesitated if sleeping at my grandmothers or aunt's..the only time i would skip a night was if i was sleeping at a friends house. I couldn't risk being found out by someone who would certainly not hold back from exposing me to the WORLD as the freak i was. What had never entered my head was that i probably wasn't the only girl in school who did those things.
Getting Caught
I could masturbate as much as i wanted but i didn't want to if i had the slightest thought that i would create suspicion or I would get caught. When i had moved into my own room and felt i had aquired a certain level if privacy I started letting my guard down and feeling a little more brave so i started to actaully draw erotic pictures of all different things that i would think of, like men and woman having sex, men jerking off and women masterbating. Women sucking mens cocks and men licking womens' clits. Men having sex with women doggie style and men having anal sex with other men. Women sucking on other womens' nipples and women eating each others pussies. Men sucking each others cocks. The drawings themselves were pretty crappy by artistic standards but i wasn't aiming for quality! Those drawings were always done will my pants were off and my pussy was wet and throbbing...in between pecil strokes i would be rubbing and rubbing until i got close and then pull away to finish drawing. It was great! Then i would fold the finished drawing into the smallest little nothing and slide it between my mattress and boxspring. I also wrote highly descriptive, erotic stories for myself that included me in either fantasy senarios or sometimes i would perfectly descibe what i do when i masturbated...it really turned me on to read it and relive the dirty act! This i folded and tucked under the mattress with the drawings. One time, i don't remember how old i was but maybe around 16 , i went into a novelty store in the mall which sold gag gifts and sexy game and joke gifts that had to do with sex.....this was only about 2% of what they actually sold but ask me if i cared about anything else! Anyway, one day i went in this store which was always busy andi had my winter coat on with the long sleeves. I went to the sex section and took a "10inch Massager" walked around and slipped it up my sleeve and left. I went to another store and got batteries. I was so excited my pussy was aching! I went straight "to bed" when we got home and when i got undressed i lay on my bed and turned it on and touched it to my slippy, pulsing clit...almost immeadiately i climaxed and had a very powerful orgasm! So i kept that vibrator where i kept all my other sex play materials...between my mattress and boxspring. Until one fatefull night. I came home from being out late somewhere and went straight to bed. I closed the door and locked it and went to the bed and slid my hand between the matress and box,when to my shear HORROR, and i DO mean horror, I discovered EVERYTHING missing. You wanna talk about fear? Panic? Terror? Oh man i wanted to die! My life at that moment was absolutely OVER. I started to shake and i almost started hyperventilatling. I knew the only 3 people on the planet that could have invaded my privacy were my 3 sisters and i knew at that moment i had a snowballs chance in HELL of reasoning with them. So before i even knew it all of their friends knew and their friends told friends of mine and told all the popular poeple in the school and basically my whole world knew. It was malicious and evil of them and i will never forgive them for that. My mother was one of those people and the only one i dredded to find me out. She somehow managed to get me alone and was more concerned than anything that i was DOING the things i had drawn and descibed in the stories and wanted to know why i knew about those things. I was mortified to say the least and cried a lot in exteme embarrassment. Finally things died down but I was always taunted by my sisters who took pictures of everything layed out on the floor as proof, which i soon after found and destroyed. I cant even tell you how much that hurt me.Thankfully no one else has ever caught me that i didn't want to catch me!
Sharing
I was too secretive to ever let anyone else know i masturbated and since i had primarily religious friends only, having been raised a jehovahs witness, There was little or no oppertunity for sexplay even by chance. The only time i can ever remember anything remotely sexual happening with a friend was the time me and my best friend were about 10 yrs old and we were hiding behind my dads station wagon. We kissed on the mouth like a man and woman and we used our tounges like we had seen on TV. Just kissing and feeling each others tonges touch was bizaar! But made me feel "funny". We stopped as soon as my mom called out of the house looking for us.
Fooling Around
The first time i ever kissed or fooled around with a guys was when i was 19. It was with a guy who was 31 at the time. No guy had ever shown interest in me and i was excited and extremly flattered. We just kissed for a while until one night in his car while kissing he took my hand and put it on his cock. I pulled away because i was scared of sinning and also because i didn't know what to do. His was the first penis i had ever seen and touched. He was uncircumsized and at that point i thought al cocks looked like his! How wrong i was. He taught me how to jerk him off and guided me on how to give my first blow job. He was the first to ever finger me and i absolutly loved the feeling of another's fingers rubbing my clit! I never had intercourse with him...always refusing because "i wasn't ready"...and im glad i didn't because he wasn't worthy of me as it turned out. (big suprize, lol) I would leave his house so wet and so horny..i rubbed myself all the way home while driving! One of the best feelings was when he rubbed his cockhead against my clit!! MMMMM! So, so, so ggooooddd!!! After him i went on to fool around with a lot of guys...it was fun and i don't really regret it much at all. But that's not something i would freely admit to anyone. I loved having my clit rubbed and sucking fat, hard, long cocks. I loved watching guys jerk themselves off for me and seeing them squirt hot loads of cum on their stomachs. I would dream about those times every night and it gave me so many fantastic orgasms! All this time i never was having intercourse.
Still Going!
Well friends, after all that I am still am avid masterbator and me and my future husband feel like we'd be lost without this erotic practice as part of our daily, or nightly!, lives. I mean, it feels sooooo ggooood! Doesn't it? YES!!! YYYYUMMMMMYY! Bye!!
you can send comments to goddess6000@hotmail.com
