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FUCK
ME The Xmas Fairy :
The boudoir of a rich lady. Fauteuils and couch of pink, soft leather. A few expensive wall chests. Long, black, satin curtains hide windows to the garden. Doors on the left and right. Next to the couch stands a strange object: it consists of a human sized Mars bar topped with a ying-yang symbol. The two circles in the symbol are represented by a white and a black female breast. It is put there for the sole purpose of showing to the audience that they're witnessing a piece of modern literature, not pornography.
From behind the curtains comes the noise of breaking glass. After that whispering voices and soft giggles. Marie> crawls from under the black drapes. Her abundant curves are more or less covered by a short dress in the national colors of Jamaica. She crawls on hands and knees to the front of the stage.
Marie: Juana!
Juana: (from behind the curtains) Ssshh, you idiot! Where are you going?
Marie: (Looking up) Damn! We're already in! I had my eyes shut, you know, I was so scared. Say this is a cool place!
Juana appears out of the curtains. She's a big Latina beauty dressed in the French Maid Uniform so well known from nostalgic erotical prints.
Marie: Oh there you are. Say, I know you told me before why you're dressed like that, but I still don't get it. I mean it's cute, I like it you know. But you don't look like a robber to me.
Juana: I'll try to explain to you one last time and then I'll strangle you with my apron if you start about it again. Now answer me: are we in a goddamned artistic Xmas story or are we in a porno movie?
Marie: Of course we're not in a porno movie!
Juana: So how do you see the difference?
Marie: Well eh...Gee, eh, because...Shit! That's a tough one! Oh of course, I got it. If we would be in a porno thing I would have done something like this. (Swings provocatively with her generous butt while slowly lifting her skirt). And a real porno star would be wearing a g-string instead of decent Calvin Kleins. (Which she does, and she's right by the way. Marie> continues her porno parody by doing the usual things with her hands to knickers, buttocks etc.)
Juana: Yes, there's that too. But you're forgetting about the main thing which is the Meaning!
Marie: Meaning?
Juana: In porno nothing means anything, you dumbo! But everything we do has meaning.
Marie: Really?
Juana: Think about it: What does a French Maid Uniform mean to you?
Marie: (Still forgetting to stop her delicious show of stroking, kneading and wriggling) I don't know, maybe something with dirty old men?
Juana: No you silly cow! It's a symbol of course! It's the ultimate essence of female repression and humiliation! Just think of the typical poses of the archetypical French Maid! (Illustrates her interesting thesis with a few well known French Maid poses. For educational purposes her bending overs, her sticking outs and her spreadings of cheeks are executed in an exaggerated way. It's only a parody of course, but she's certainly showing all that richly bulging, honey colored flesh of hers with a lot of effect!) Don't you see how desecrating and ridiculizing this is?
Marie: Gosh Juana, you should be a model! That's real cool!
Juana: Thanks, but you're missing the point as usual. Remember we're robbers, right?
Marie: Yeah, I know.
Juana: Fine. Now here is the symbol of female repression and abuse in the middle of crime! Even a super light weight intellectual will understand that this must have a very deep meaning.
Marie: Yeah, I guess so. Hey, talking about light weight! This Mars bar looks real tasty. I'd kill for a frozen Mars bar right now, you know?
Juana: I give up! The only thing with brains above your ass is your belly I suppose. Let's go stealing.
Marie: (standing up) Yeah, what are we waiting for? So what are we going to steal?
Juana: I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that we're in the house of Madame X. Madame X, my ass!
Marie: Uhh?
Juana: Don't you see? Madame X! Only shady porno chicks call themselves something like that. And a cunt like that is sure to have some stuff.
Marie: Ah yes, stuff!
Juana: Someone even told me, she has the Golden Stuff!
Marie: Wow, that's great!
Juana: So now we're going to search that Golden Stuff, Marie>! We'll start in the other rooms. You go there and I'll take the other door.
They leave the stage through the doors. The Mars bar opens. Out of it comes a tall black matron in a Hillary Clinton power suit. She also wears a red clowns nose.
Xmas Fairy : (Yes, indeed! But for our convenience we'll call her X from now on) Little do they know, the poor sluts! As children of this heavily secularized era they have forgotten about the spirit of Xmas!
In the background a chorus of dirty minded little school boys starts to sing a fine Xmas song. The music should be badly recorded in order to make absolutely clear that it's only a record. The boys themselves have no idea of their participation in an adult production. (If we cann't even tolerate an old record of innocent boy voices in an erotic piece of art, then our culture has sunken low indeed. One may well wonder how anyone could associate boy choruses with sexuality anyway. Personally I consider it a very far fetched idea.)
X: Oh that music! At this time of year it always makes me gooey all over! But that wasn't the point. Where was I? Yes, the Xmas Spirit! As the title of this piece is "The Xmas Fairy", I may as well inform you that I'm her. The XF herself. My dress may not seem very fairylike, but that's because I'm modern of course. Symbol of female ambitions and that kind of crap. I hope you figured out the meaning of the red nose. It's really too dumb to explain that one. The director calls it a surrealist accent. He didn't explain that, but I imagine it justifies a lot of the nonfunctional sex and violence in this piece. OK let's get on with the show. In this Mars bar I have three wands, which happen to be magical wands. Of course I'll use all three of them, if you're patient enough. I can promise very satisfying results. The first one I'll use is the Wand of Conscience.
Before X returns inside her Mars bar she flashes her first wand. As the bar closes the robber girls return through both doors.
Juana: It looks like we're in the wrong movie. I only found piles of money and credit cards over there. I's almost insulting!
Marie: Yeah, there's nothing here. Just wardrobes with furs and all kinds of silly gold and silver trinklets.
Juana: But I don't give up. Let's have a good look in this room. The Golden Stuff must be somewhere here. I'm sure.
Both women start a serious search. One can't really do a thorough search without a lot of bending, tiptoeing, contorting and what have you, can one? So the dreariness of the scene is considerably lightened by the very functional, yet amusing squirming of the two scoundrels. When Marie> crawls along the Mars bar it suddenly opens behind her. X's arm appears with the wand , swiftly tapping Marie>'s crawling ass.
Marie: Ooops! Jesus, Juana!
Juana: What's up?
Marie: Oh Juana! What are we doing? Poor Madame X will be so sad, when she misses her stuff!
Juana: What?? What's that you're blabbering, you...
But then Juana herself gets the same treatment as she passes the Mars bar. After all it seems to be a very functional Mars bar. Sorry about that,
Juana: Well OK, I can see your point. She may be a cunt, but she's a sister, right? Perhaps she isn't aware that she's a sister, but, fuck!! We're robbing her and maybe she'll feel bad about it. Yeah, that's a good point Marie>!
Marie: Oh Juana, I think I'm gonna cry! Is that all right?
Juana: No, go ahead. As long as you make it a real good symbolic cry, OK?
Marie: (Crying like a 3 year old with very sore knees) Like this?
Juana: Right, keep it up. But what will I do? What is the typical French Maid expression of guilt?
Juana tries several poses, each next one more convincing. With great mastership she manages to embody the begging for punishment, the cry for a good whipping, the urgency of a naughty rump longing to get spanked. Marie>s quivering and wailing body also is a joy to behold. What could be more typical of the Xmas Spirit than sinners in all kind of amusing poses of repentence?
X: (Stepping out of the Mars bar. She has changed her costume into a pornographical parody of a female New York cop's uniform. If you can't picture that you haven't seen the right things. I can recommend EastEndLesCoppers.com, for a start. Don't hesitate, this isn't porn, it's just information.) It's about time for my second wand. (Swings the second wand). Here comes the Sex Wand!
Juana is the first to get a sharp crack with the Sex Wand over her salacious butt. She acts like bewitched (which she is of course), so she doesn't notice X's presence. What she does notice is Marie>'s squirming behind right in front of her.
Juana: Oh come on, my piggy, don't stay crying! You were only trying to be a good girl, sugar ass. (Starts fumbling at Marie>'s behind) Now shush! It's not your fault that you're a hot bottomed filthy little girl. I'll make it up to you, my lovely sticky slit.
Marie: I feel so bad, Juana!
Juana: Yeah, me too. We're very, very bad girls. God, but you are bad, honey. Your cunt is dripping all over my hand!
Marie: Awww! I can't help it Juana. I feel so hot there. Can you rub me harder, please?
Juana: (Rubbing harder) Oh Christ, you dirty shitting fuck! I feel you slithering lips. I can push my fingers right inside you. Now you're asking for it, you slutty girl, I'll fuck you here and now!
Marie: Oh Jesus yeah!
And that kind of thing. This scene lasts a few minutes, which is only to illustrate how boring pornography really is. In order to prove our intentions the audience can see a digital clock somewhere in the upper right corner, counting the seconds and minutes.
To keep up the pace attention is turned back to X, who is still standing inside the open Mars bar. She has fetched her third wand. Let's say it's a golden wand, just to throw in a bit of old fashioned tradition.
X: I didn't have to use my Sex Wand on the blonde. But I suppose they both need a good dose of my Golden Wand of Punishment and Forgiveness. That will open their rotten little hearts to the True Light of Xmas! (Gives both girls a sound whack on their busy bottoms with the third wand).
Marie: Oh Juana, stop it! I'm coming!
Juana: Yeah! Come, squirt it all out over my hand!
Marie: No Juana! I don't want to, it's not right.
Juana: (Sitting back) Now what? I'm only trying to make you feel good.
Marie: Oh shit, I'm sorry Juana, but I feel so bad about poor Madame X. We shouldn't have prowled around in her house.
Juana: Yes girl, I somehow feel the same. We should offer her our excuses. I'm feeling bad about it too.
Marie: What'll we do, Juana? Shall we wait till she returns? Oh fuck, a cop!
X has finally appeared to the girls in full visibility. She's still wearing her dubious cop's uniform.
X: There's no need to wait, my dearies! I have been watching you all the time you were here. Let me introduce myself: I'm madame X, aka the Xmas Fairy!
Juana: The Xmas Fairy? Shit, we didn't know that. But shouldn't you have wings or something like that?
X: You're confusing fairies with angels, honey. Now, what about these excuses I heard you talking about?
Marie: Oh great lady, forgive us please!
Juana: Yes, we're very sorry about robbing you. Trying to rob you, that is.
Marie: Please punish us! We're very bad girls!
Juana: A good whipping perhaps, or a caning?
X: (smiling) No problem, my magical wands are multifunctional. I'll sit down here on my couch and you will crawl around it. My Xmas tree will tell me when we'll finish.
She flashes her Golden Wand and the curtains slowly open. Through the dark windows a magnificent Xmas tree becomes visible. The girls remove their knickers and start crawling. They receive a couple of resounding whacks with the wand every time they pass in front of X. After each series a fresh candle starts to burn inside the Xmas tree. The dirty boys chorus sounds again, singing "Yingle Yangle Little Star". The heavenly music mixes quite well with the groans and sighs of the caned girls. The whole process takes quite some time as it is a big tree with an enormous quantity of candles. The steady reddening of both girl's buttocks however serves as a satisfying symbol for the warming of our hearts at Xmas time. When the last candle finally has sprung to life the Xmas Fairy embraces both girls in a moving gesture of forgiveness.
Marie> & Juana: We found the Golden Stuff! X: A merry Xmas to everyone!
Curtains
(c) 2000 Daan King daan.king@wxs.nl |
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